What if Harry Had Said
by dbzdragonlanceman
Summary: Series of incidents where I think it would have been humorous or cool for Harry to say certain things.
1. What if 1

What if Harry Had Said

1

A/N: This is a series of excerpts from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. These are things that I think would have been humorous, ironic, or cool if Harry had said in certain situations. If I get enough feedback from people that enjoy this, I will do the same thing for the other books. All page number references are from the American paperback release of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. 

This excerpt begins on page 22. It is the scene where Petunia has discovered Mrs. Figg has broken her leg and can't baby-sit Harry during the trip to the zoo.

"We could phone Marge." Uncle Vernon suggested.

"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."

Harry snorted and mumbled under his breath, "It's not like I want to be around that fat bitch, either. She smells like those disgusting dogs of hers. I wouldn't be surprised if she slept with them."

Vernon looked over at Harry, "What was that, boy?"

Harry smiled innocently, "Nothing, Uncle Vernon. I was just talking to myself."

This excerpt begins on page 85, and is set in Ollivander's shop in Diagon Alley.

"Yes, thirteen and a half inches. Yew. Curious indeed how these things happen. The wand chooses the wizard, remember… I think we must expect great things from you, Mr. Potter… After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things--- terrible, yes, but great."

Harry flashed a feral smile, "Then, I suppose that I will just have to break that wand if I ever come across it."

Ollivander smiled in return, "Excellent, Mr. Potter. I have faith that you will do just that."

This excerpt begins on page 139. It is set in Harry's first Potion's class just after Neville has melted Seamus' cauldron and been taken to the hospital wing.

"You---Potter--- why didn't you tell him not to add the quills? Thought he'd make you look good if he got it wrong, did you? That's another point you've lost for Gryffindor."

Harry replied boldly, "Let's make it a rounder number, Professor Snape, because you are the ugliest git I have ever seen, and I feel it is my duty to inform you of the fact." 

This excerpt begins on page 162. It is after the encounter with Fluffy, and the trio has returned to the common room.

"You don't use your eyes, any of you, do you?" she snapped. "Didn't you see what it was standing on?"

Harry retorted, "And you use your mouth entirely too much. Of course we didn't see what it was standing on. We were too busy looking at its heads."

This excerpt begins on page 206. It is set when Harry sneaks into the Restricted Section of the library.

A piercing, bloodcurdling shriek split the silence--- the book was screaming! Harry snapped it shut and swore violently beneath his breath, "Damn, why don't they put warning labels on shit like that!"

This excerpt begins on page 236. It is set while Harry is trying to convince Hagrid that he has to get rid of Norbert.

Harry suddenly turned to Ron.

"Charlie." he said.

"You're losing it, too." said Ron. "I'm Ron remember?"

"I swear, Ron, sometimes I wonder how you make it to class. Charlie, your brother, Charlie. In Romania. Studying dragons. We could send Norbert to him. Charlie can take care of him and then put him back in the wild."

This excerpt begins on page 241. It is set when Harry and Hermione are taking Norbert up to the top of the North Tower, just after Professor McGonagall catches Malfoy.

Hermione did a sort of jig.

"Malfoy's got detention! I could sing!"

Harry replied dryly, "Don't, I would like for my ears to remain where they are."

This excerpt begins on page 254. It is set in the Forbidden Forest during the student's detention with Hagrid.

"Mars is bright tonight." he said simply.

Harry snorted, "Nobody asked about Mars." Harry leaned close to Hagrid and whispered, "Are they thick or something?"

This excerpt begins on page 288. It is set just as Harry enters the room containing the Mirror of Erised and finds Quirrel as opposed to Snape.

It was Quirrell.

"You." gasped Harry.

Quirrell smiled. His face wasn't twitching at all.

"Me." he said calmly. "I wondered whether I would be meeting you here, Potter."

Harry smirked and then chuckled, "It seems that I was wrong. Voldemort managed to find another stooge amongst the faculty here."

This excerpt begins on page 292. It is set when Voldemort tells Quirrell to use the boy to find the stone in the Mirror of Erised chamber.

"Well?" said Quirrell impatiently. "What do you see?"

Harry chuckled lightly, "I see your Masters demise. I see myself triumphant over your pathetic Lord Voldemort. Just as I was over ten years ago."

This excerpt begins on page 308. It is set just after the students get off the train at King's Cross station.

"There he is, Mom, there he is, look!"

It was Ginny Weasley, Ron's younger sister, but she wasn't pointing at Ron.

"Harry Potter!" she squealed. "Look, Mom! I can see ---"

"Be quiet, Ginny, and it's rude to point."

Mrs. Weasley smiled down at them.

Harry laughed at the young red head's antics, "It's okay, Mrs. Weasley. I'm used to people pointing at me. Besides I can't imagine anyone else that I would rather have pointing at me than your lovely daughter."

Ginny flushed a scarlet that would match the color of her hair any day at the unexpected praise.


	2. what if 2

What if Harry Had Said

2

A/N: This is a series of excerpts from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Same drill as last time. Thanks to everyone that is reading.

This excerpt begins on page 22. It is set just after Harry has told Ron and the twins about Dobby.

"Can you think of anyone at school with a grudge against you?"

"Yes." said Harry and Ron together, instantly.

"Draco Malfoy." Harry explained. "He hates me."

"Draco Malfoy?" said George, turning around. "Not Lucius Malfoy's son?"

Harry replied smirking, "How many people could have that stupid ass name?"

This excerpt begins on page 52. It is set after the Malfoys enter Borgin and Burkes.

"I would have thought you'd be ashamed that a girl of no wizard family beat you in every exam." snapped Mr. Malfoy.

Harry muttered under his breath, "At least I know that insufferable little git is paid back in full for all the hell he gives us."

This excerpt begins on page 61. It is set in Flourish and Blotts just after Harry is given the complete works of Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Bet you loved that, didn't you, Potter?" said a voice Harry had no trouble recognizing. He straightened up and found himself face-to-face with Draco Malfoy, who was wearing his usual sneer.

"Famous Harry Potter." said Malfoy. "Can't even go into a bookshop without making the front page."

"Leave him alone, he didn't want all that!" said Ginny. It was the first time she had spoken in front of Harry. She was glaring at Malfoy.

Harry placed a hand on Ginny's shoulder and smiled down at her, "You tell him, Ginny."

"Potter, you've got yourself a girlfriend!" drawled Malfoy. Ginny went scarlet as Ron and Hermione fought their way over, both clutching stacks of Lockhart's books.

Harry chuckled, "Jealous, Malfoy? Its not my fault the only female that will have anything to do with you is that fat cow, Pansy Parkinson. What does she weigh anyway, like 200 pounds?"

This excerpt begins on page 89. It is set just after Ron received the Howler from Mrs. Weasley.

"Well, I don't know what you expected, Ron, but you--"

Harry interrupted her, "Hermione, for once in your life use your brain for something other than a storage device. We don't need a lecture from an eleven year old hag that doesn't know when to close her mouth."

This excerpt begins on page 98. It is set just after Colin Creevey asked Harry for a signed photograph.

"Let me just say that handing out signed pictures at this stage of your career isn't sensible--- looks a tad bigheaded, Harry, to be frank. There may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go, but" he gave a little chortle--- "I don't think you're quite there yet."

"Oh, please, you stuffed up popinjay, more people know who I am than they ever will you. The only reason that you're popular is because the witches think you're handsome. Now, if you don't mind, I have to get to class."

This excerpt begins on page 119. It is set as Minerva McGonagall comes up to Harry and Ron to assign their detentions.

"And you, Potter, will be helping Professor Lockhart answer his fan mail." said Professor McGonagall.

"Isn't there a law against cruel and unusual punishment?" asked Harry.

Hermione protested, "You got off easy in my opinion."

Harry replied scathingly, "Well, no one asked for your opinion, Hermione. I would rather face Voldemort a hundred times than deal with Lockhart."

McGonagall's eyes flashed, "Potter, you will refrain from speaking the Dark Lord's name or I will be forced to give you another detention."

Harry chuckled, "Actually, Professor, I don't think you can do that."

"And why is that, Mr. Potter?"

"Because Professor Dumbledore told me to use his name. I hardly think it would be proper for you to punish me for obeying the Headmaster."

McGonagall paused in surprise. Never before had a student outwitted her. Yet here stood a second year with a beguiling smile on his face that had done just that. 

This excerpt begins on page 160. It is set while the trio are trying to figure out how to get their hands on a copy of _Most Potente Potions._

"Oh, come on, no teacher's going to fall for that." said Ron. "They'd have to be really thick…"

Harry grinned, "Well, then, we have the perfect candidate. Lockhart is about as thick as you can get."

Ron laughed, while Hermione looked affronted.

This excerpt begins on page 173. It is set just after Harry lands from catching the Snitch.

"Ah." said Lockhart. "Yes. Well, that can sometimes happen. But the point is, the bones are no longer broken. That's the thing to bear in mind."

Harry yelled loudly, "You damned fool. I don't have bones in my arm anymore." Harry snatched his wand from inside his robes, "Expelliarmus." Lockhart was blasted backwards as his wand fell at Harry's feet. Harry pocketed his own wand and struggled to his feet. He looked disdainfully over at Lockhart's crumpled form and then stomped on Lockhart's wand. "That will be the end of your meddling."

This excerpt begins on page 214. It is set after Crabbe and Goyle eat the cakes loaded with Hermione's sleeping draft.

"How thick can you get?" Ron whispered ecstatically as Crabbe gleefully pointed out the cakes to Goyle and grabbed them. Grinning stupidly, they stuffed the cakes whole into their large mouths. For a moment, both of them chewed greedily, looks of triumph on their faces. Then, without the smallest change of expression, they both keeled over backward onto the floor.

Harry laughed, "It appears that Lockhart has some competition in the stupidity contest from those two idiots."

This excerpt begins on page 239. It is set after Harry is cornered by the dwarf delivering the singing Valentine.

But Harry didn't care, he was one-up on Malfoy, and that was worth five points from Gryffindor any day. Malfoy was looking furious, and as Ginny passed him to enter her classroom, he yelled spitefully after her, "I don't think Potter liked your valentine much!"

Harry spoke up loudly, "I loved her valentine. I just didn't think you were worthy enough to hear it, Malfoy. So, sod off."

This excerpt begins on page 270. It is set during Defense Against the Dark Arts class while Lockhart is claiming to know more about Cornelius Fudge taking Hagrid to Azkaban.

"Oh, yes he would." said Ron, even more loudly than Dean.

"I flatter myself I know a touch more about Hagrid's arrest than you do, Mr. Weasley." said Lockhart in a self-satisfied tone.

Harry snorted derisively, "You flatter yourself if you think you know how to tie your own shoes."

This excerpt begins on page 295. It is set after Harry and Ron overhear Professor McGonagall informing the other teacher's that Ginny had been taken into the Chamber of Secrets.

The teachers rose and left, one by one.

Once the teachers were gone, Ron looked at Harry weakly, "Now, what do we do?"

Harry replied with steel in his voice, "We take that idiot Lockhart and we go get her tonight."

Ron asked, "Will we be able to?"

Harry answered, again, "I don't know, but if we are too late, pity the Heir of Slytherin, because I don't intend to."

This excerpt begins on page 317. It is set after Harry confronts Tom in the Chamber of Secrets.

"Now, Harry, I'm going to teach you a little lesson. Let's match the powers of Lord Voldemort, Heir of Salazar Slytherin, against famous Harry Potter, and the best weapons Dumbledore can give him…"

Harry chuckled, "If you are that eager to lose again, so be it. Dumbledore and I represent the Light, and we will always vanquish the darkness, Tom."

This excerpt begins on page 323. It is set after Harry has defeated the Basilisk and Tom.

"I'm going to be expelled!" Ginny wept as Harry helped her awkwardly to her feet. "I've looked forward to coming to Hogwarts ever since B-Bill came and n-now I'll have to leave and --- w-what'll Mum and Dad say?"

Harry said soothingly as he pulled Ginny into a hug and began to stroke her hair, "Its okay, Ginny. No one's going to expel you. Your Mum and Dad are just going to be glad that you're alright. Its all over now. Let's get out of here. Ron is waiting for us."

Ginny looked up at Harry hopefully, "Really?"

Harry smiled down at her, "Really." Then, the two of them left the Chamber of Secrets hand in hand.

Shadowface: Expect one for each book. After that I might start doing other characters. We'll see. Thanks for the review.

Rincewind: I know. Harry was talking about Aunt Marge, though. Thanks for the review.

Cur03: Obviously, so do I. Thanks for the review.

Capt Kidd: I'm glad you like it. Thanks for the review.

HP-wannabe69: I know exactly what you mean. Thanks for the review.

Umm duh: Thanks for the correction. Thanks for the review.

Shadow Beast. Thanks for the review.

Maria: The second chapter has arrived. Thanks for the review.

Raiining: I'm working on it. Thanks for the review.

Joe: I'm just concentrating on Harry for now. I'll see what I can do with other characters later. Thanks for the review.

Blip-dragon: I'll get them out as fast as I can think of them. Thanks for the review.

ABigPopTart: Hopefully, you thought this set was amusing as well. Thanks for the review.

Wiccan Pussy Cat: Here it is. I agree about the Slytherin thing. I would be best suited for Slytherin myself. Although I don't think I would be a complete pain in the ass like Malfoy. Thanks for the review.

ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity: I'm working on them. Thanks for the review.

Brittany-Granger: The second chapter is here. Thanks for the review.

Gryphonmistress: The later books give more opportunities to play, so there should be quite a few more. Thanks for the review.


	3. What if 3

What if Harry Had Said

Chapter 3:

A/N: As usual, all page numbers are from the paperback American release of the books. I hope you enjoy these, and I must apologize for the long delay, but things happen. I will attempt to get the work on Goblet of Fire done in a more timely fashion, but we will have to see. I appreciate all the reviews. I love reading them. Thanks also goes out to all my other readers as well.

This excerpt begins on page 23, and is set when Aunt Marge arrives at the Dursleys.

"So," she barked. "Still here, are you?"

"Yes, " said Harry.

"Don't you say 'yes' in that ungrateful tone," Aunt Marge growled. "It's damn good of Vernon and Petunia to keep you. Wouldn't have done it myself. You'd have gone straight to an orphanage if you'd been dumped on my doorstep."

Harry snorted, "Over your home, an orphanage would have been a definite improvement."

This next excerpt begins on page 60, and is set just after Hermione buys Crookshanks.

"He's gorgeous, isn't he?" said Hermione glowing.

Harry laughed, "No wonder you like Ron. You taste in looks leaves something to be desired."

This next excerpt begins on page 74, and is set just after they board the train to Hogwarts.

"I need to talk to you in private," Harry muttered to Ron and Hermione as the train picked up speed.

"Go away, Ginny," said Ron.

"Ron, you're a prat. Ginny, you don't have to go anywhere. Come on." Harry wrapped an arm around Ginny's shoulders and led her down the corridor.

This next excerpt begins on page 77, and is set while they are on the train, and Harry has informed them that he can't go to Hogsmeade.

"You're not allowed to come? But- no way- McGonagall or someone will give you permission --"

Harry gave a hollow laugh, "Voldemort will walk into Hogwarts and plant a kiss on Malfoy's face before that will happen."

This next excerpt begins on page 87, and is set just after the incident on the train to Hogwarts with the Dementors.

"You fainted, Potter? Is Longbottom telling the truth? You actually fainted?"

Harry replied easily, "Well, Draco, the Dementor looked so much like you that I couldn't help but laugh. And then, I couldn't stop laughing since you're so despicably ugly. Lack of breath generally causes you to faint."

This next excerpt begins on page 125, and is set in Potions class just as Malfoy has entered with the sling on his arm.

"Potter, you can skin Malfoy's shrivelfig," said Snape, giving Harry the look of loathing he always reserved just for him.

"If you want his shrivelfig skinned so badly, you can do it yourself. I'm busy."

Snape's nostrils flared, "How dare you speak to me that way, Potter? Ten points from Gryffindor."

Harry snorted and continued with his work. After several moments it became apparent to Snape that Harry was not going to do as he was commanded, so he walked over and stood in front of Harry's table. Harry looked up at him in annoyance, "Did you want something, Professor?"

Snape replied coldly, "I'm waiting for you to skin Mr. Malfoy's shrivelfig."

Harry laughed directly in Snape's face, "You're going to be waiting for a long time, then. It will be a cold day in hell before a Potter will ever serve a Malfoy."

This next excerpt begins on page 171, and is set when Professor Snape first takes over Professor Lupin's class.

"Silence!" snarled Snape. "Well, well, well, I never thought I'd meet a third year class who wouldn't even recognize a werewolf when they saw one."

Harry piped up, "Maybe we don't recognize werewolves, but we all recognize a conceited, overbearing, pain in the ass Professor when we see one."

This next excerpt begins on page 232, and is set just after the Christmas feast when McGonagall confiscated the Firebolt.

"Because I thought-- and Professor McGonagall agrees with me-- that that broom was probably sent to Harry by Sirius Black!"

Harry snorted derisively, "And you're supposed to be the smartest witch in our year? I'm sure that the second most wanted wizard in the world just strolled into Quality Quidditch Supplies and ordered the fastest broom on the market. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. So, from now on, why don't you keep your nose out of my business."

This next excerpt begins on page 274, and is set just before Hagrid leaves for Buckbeak's trial, while he is talking to Ron and Harry about Hermione.

"Really upset, she was, when Black nearly stabbed yeh, Ron. She's got her heart in the right place, Hermione has, an' you two not talkin' to her--"

Harry replied, "Well, having her heart in the right place doesn't fix all the stupid stuff she's done. All the two of us are looking for from her is an apology for messing up our lives. If she's too proud to give that, then she can continue to be by herself, and that is the end of that discussion."

This next excerpt begins on page 284, and is set in Snape's office just after he catches Harry returning from Hogsmeade.

"How extraordinarily like your father you are, Potter," Snape said suddenly, his eyes glinting. "He too was exceedingly arrogant. A small amount of talent on the Quidditch field made him think he was a cut above the rest of us too. Strutting around the place with his friends and admirers--"

Harry whipped out his wand and cried out, "Silencio!" Then he continued speaking in a deadly calm voice with his wand pointed directly at Snape, "Now, I will thank to never again speak ill of my father or the next spell that finds its way out of my wand towards you will be a great deal more lethal than a Silencing Charm."

This next excerpt begins on page 360, and is set just after Snape enters the Shrieking Shack and has revealed himself.

"KEEP QUIET, YOU STUPID GIRL!" Snape shouted, looking suddenly quite deranged. "DON'T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

Harry laughed as he brandished his wand and pointed it menacingly at Snape, "If those are words to live by, then you should never open you mouth again, Snivellus."

This next excerpt begins on page 426, and is set during Harry and Dumbledore's final conversation about Trelawney's prediction.

Dumbledore looked mildly impressed.

"Do you know, Harry, I think she might have been," he said thoughtfully. "Who'd have thought it? That brings her total of real predictions up to two. I should offer her a pay raise."

Harry asked, "If she has made two real predictions, what was the first one?"

A/N: I will leave it to each of you to decide whether or not Dumbledore would have actually told him the contents of the Prophecy had he asked at that point in time. I hope you have enjoyed these as much as I have. Again, thanks goes out to all of my readers.


	4. What if 4

What If Had Harry Had Said

Chapter 4

A/N: This chapter has been a long time coming, but it is the first half of Goblet of Fire. The second half will be in Chapter Five. Also, I would like to note that I will be posting the first chapter to my new story next Tuesday. I expect to keep a one chapter a week posting schedule, but things tend to interfere, so I can only promise to do my best. As always the page numbers are from the American paperback versions, and reviews are appreciated.

This excerpt begins on page 32. It begins with the scene where Vernon is attempting to remember Mrs. Weasley.

"Dumpy sort of woman?" he growled finally. "Load if children with red hair?"

Harry snorted, "That's a little over the top considering the fact that Dudley weighs more than the entire Weasley family."

This excerpt begins on p. 45. It is set when the Weasleys come through the Floo network into the Dursley's living room.

"Well," said Mr. Weasley, swinging his arms slightly, while he tried to find words to break the very nasty silence. "Very----- erm--- very nice place you've got here."

Harry chuckled to himself as he surveyed the Dursley's normally spotless living room and muttered, "It's certainly seen better days."

This excerpt begins on p. 49. It is set after Dudley's tongue inflates up.

"Now really!" said Mr. Weasley angrily, brandishing his wand. "I'm trying to help."

Harry laughed out loud as he walked toward the fireplace, "You would be better off leaving them, Mr. Weasley. They aren't worth the effort."

This excerpt begins on p. 54. It is set after begins yelling at Fred and George about the Ton-Tongue Toffee incident.

Harry and Ron edged out of the kitchen and they, Hermione, and Ginny set off along the narrow hallway and up the rickety staircase that zigzagged through the house to the upper stories, when Harry reached over and took Ginny's hand, which caused her to turn bright red once again before asking, "So, how has the most beautiful young lady at Hogwarts been enjoying her summer?"

Ginny's breath seemed to catch before she managed to stammer, "A-A-Are y-you talking t-to me?"

Harry waved his hand around, "Do you see anyone else that fits the description?"

Hermione put her hands on her hips and pursed her lips before saying, "What am I? Chopped liver?"

Harry turned away from Ginny for a moment and pointed at Ron, "Telling you that you're beautiful is his job, not mine." Then, he continued up the stairs hand in hand with Ginny, leaving Ron and Hermione to gape after him.

The excerpt begins p. 67. It begins as Ginny and Hermione enter the kitchen the morning before the Quidditch World Cup.

There were footsteps down the passageway and Hermione and Ginny came into the kitchen, both looking pale and drowsy.

"Why do we have to be up so early?" Ginny said, rubbing her eyes and sitting down at the table.

Harry goggled as he looked at Ginny and smiled, "Wow!" How exactly do you manage to be so indescribably beautiful this early in the morning?"

Ginny flushed with pleasure as her brother crowed at the unexpected remark from Harry.

This excerpt begins on p. 89. It is set as Percy begins to talk about Mr. Crouch.

"Mr. Crouch?" said Percy, suddenly abandoning his look of poker stiff disapproval and positively writhing with excitement. "He speaks over two hundred! Mermish and Gobbledegook and Troll…"

"Anyone can speak Troll, " said Fred dismissively. "All you have to do is point and grunt."

Harry laughed as he nudged Ron and Hermione, "That must be why Crabbe and Goyle don't understand what's going on around them. We haven't been speaking Troll." Ron and Hermione laughed lightly at Harry's joke.

This excerpt begins on p. 125. It is set as Ron comments that elves are happy.

"It's people like you, Ron," Hermione begin hotly, "who prop up rotten and unjust systems, just because they're too lazy to---"

Harry interrupted, "Hermione, shut up. We've got more important things to worry about than listening to you gripe about something you don't understand."

This excerpt begins on p. 150. It is set after Harry agrees to go play Quidditch with Ron.

Hermione left the room, muttering something that sounded very much like "Boys."

Harry snorted and called after her, "What about you, Miss My answer to everything is go read a book about it. We all deal with things out own way. You know for someone who preaches tolerance, you're surprisingly single minded."

Harry turned and walked away to get his Firebolt leaving Hermione spluttering in indignation.

This excerpt begins on p 267. It is set as Hagrid begins walking towards the castle with Madame Maxime.

"He fancies her!" said Ron incredulously. "Well, if they end up having children, they'll be setting a world record--- bet any baby of theirs would weigh about a ton."

Harry chuckled, "No kidding. I know Hagrid is my friend, but that would have to be the ugliest baby on the face of the Earth."

This excerpt begins on p. 287. It is set during Ron and Harry's argument over Harry putting his name in the Goblet of Fire.

"Yeah, okay," said Ron, in exactly the same skeptical tone as Cedric. "Only you said this morning you'd have done it last night, and no one would've seen you…. I'm not stupid, you know."

Harry snorted, "If you're not stupid, then you must be a consummate actor, because you've managed to convince every professor in this school that you're a dumb ass."


End file.
